August 31, 2006 by ignatiof.

Continuing with my theme of things I hate, this week’s thing is loyalty programs.

I’ll avoid the unnecessary editorial and get right to the point, or better yet, points:

1. Life’s complicated enough
2. Loyalty programs lock you in so you feel compeled to do business with them
3. You gotta manage all those cards, stickers, stamps, etc.

There’s probably more. Those are the basics. I have just one loyalty program left - the airlines points on my credit card. (Bet you thought I was gonna say my girlfriend, didn’t you?) Some day I’ll get rid of that program too.

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August 23, 2006 by ignatiof.

I hate wires. It seems that the more wireless devices I have, the more wires I also have. Not quite sure why that has happened, but I can’t get away from the dern things. Even my wireless devices have wires. My wireless mouse has a receiver which connects to my laptop with… yup… a wire.

Even things you don’t expect to have wires have them. My cat for instance. I take her out in the backyard, but with no fence and dogs everywhere, I have to keep her on a leash… a wire. Even though when I unclip her she stays perfectly still, I have to tether her to me with those six feet of nylon hatred.

I long for the day when I can put up a fence and let her go free. 802.11cat.

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August 15, 2006 by ignatiof.

The other hour I was thinking about who I’d blame if I needed a scapegoat. Of course I don’t really want to get anyone in trouble, so I wanted to think of a name that I was sure no one had. Then if the bad guys (the mafia I’m assuming) wanted to go after someone, they’d try to track down this non-existent person.

So anyway, the first thing that I came up with was ‘Ignatio Fairfax’. Where that came from I don’t know. Some sort of micrometeorite probably skimmed through my brain and severed and reconnected some of my neurons and that’s what came out.

So that’s my Chris Gaines. Ignatio Fairfax. My Joey Jr. Shabado, if you will. (And you better!)

I sure hope there are no mental health professionals reading my blog, or I may have to actually start using my new alter-ego.

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August 9, 2006 by ignatiof.

I just re-read that title. Eeep. Gotta be more careful coming up with these things.

Well folks, this is the end of the line. The Great Peanut Butter Experiment of 2006 has come to an end. Drum roll please!

Take a look:

The mountain has toppled! It did not sink at all. After a few days of rest in the cupboard, I opened the jar to find the peanut butter folded over on itself like a yoga-practicing ballet dancer.

Well, there you have it. The end of the line. But one more thing before I finish this series. (This is the twist ending.) I don’t even like peanut butter that much. Ha!

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August 9, 2006 by ignatiof.

Only on your birthday can two wrongs make a right so beautifully and perfectly. Last week on my birthday, I shagged something up at work. No serious harm done of course, but it would mean I’d have to fix it on my own time in order to have it ready when it was due. Not long after, I discovered that I had shagged something else up. Man, rough day.

But wouldn’t you know it, the second screw up negated the effect of the first one, and the universe went back into balance. I guess that means I’m due for some bad luck, if I believed in that fluff, which I don’t.

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August 3, 2006 by ignatiof.

Most people who know me understand that I am a big fan of Quizno’s, and not so much of that other sub making place. I have made no secret about it, but sometimes i still end up at Subway with friends.

What makes Quizno’s so superior? Is it their bread? No, it’s only marginally better. What about the toppings? Well, that’s definitely a big plus. Those unprocessed meats and cheeses are tasty. No, the reason Quizno’s rules is because they know how to make a sandwich. I mean, they really know. You don’t have to decide what stuff you want on it. No choosing among 57 different sauces. What goes with what? How the hell do I know?! At Subway, I end up picking everything I like and having a huge sub that tastes basically the same every time.

But at Quizno’s, boy, at Quizno’s you pick the sub you want, answer a couple of simple questions, and boom! You’re done. These people are trained professionals. I am just not qualified to make a sub. I mean really. I don’t know squat about it. I’m paying you for your sandwich, so you tell me what works together.

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August 2, 2006 by ignatiof.

Well, ‘visual’. Here’s a picture of the peanut butter jar so far. It’s top down, so you may have to still use your imagination a little bit. Next time I’ll get out my trusty camcorder and take a video.

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August 2, 2006 by ignatiof.

I had a question of whether the peanut butter in my little experiment was processed or unprocessed. The answer of course, is that it’s neither. It’s a 4.4-lb tub of Kraft Smooth Peanut Butter, which of course means that I’m not sure there was ever anything resembling a peanut used to make it.

Regardless, I’ve probably never had real unprocessed peanut butter so I don’t know what I’m missing. Thanks, but I think I’ll continue to live in my little peanut butter bubble.

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August 2, 2006 by ignatiof.

I have decided to continue with my series of posts entitled ‘Things I Hate’. If I had any readers, they’d probably ask ‘why so negative?’, to which of course, I would respond that being pessimistic is the greatest. You’re either correct, or pleasantly surprised.

Now I want to clarify what I mean by things I hate. These aren’t the obvious things that everyone hates. You know what I’m talking about - murderers, rapists, paedophiles, and pestilence. Boy, don’t get me started on pestilence! No, the things that I hate in this series are more annoyances than anything; like black flies, for example.

So what’s todays thing? Slivers of soap. I love a nice big chunky bar of soap, but when it gets down to a slippery little soap sliver, I could throw the thing out. Like everyone, I’ve experimented with mushing slivers together, but then you have to manage your slivers and prey they’ll stick together. You don’t want them coming apart when you’re washing a body orifice… not good. I have one of those nylon netted things that you put slivers in, but I dunno; it’s just not the same as a brand new bar… ahhhh.

Mmm…. chocolate.

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August 1, 2006 by ignatiof.

(July 29) The extra slab of peanut butter that was buttressing the mountain has been removed, but so far, there has been no change in the mountain. It clings to the side of the jar like a cat to carpet.
(August 1) For two days in a row now, I’ve been digging out under the peanut butter mountain, and while it has yet to topple or slump down, it has started to crack away from the mountain. And not the good kind of crack either. What will the future bring? Maybe when I come home today and check my jar, the peanut butter will have fallen and all will once again be right with the world.

Mmm….. peanut butter log.

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