Dear Specialist,

Peanut Butter Jar recently presented with pain in his extremities and soreness on his right… uhh… flat area. I have neither the expertise nor the desire to treat a 4-lb tub of processed sandwich spread, but he does need help badly. I am afraid that the mole I found on his skin could be cancerous.

I have attached a picture of Mr. Jar to this letter. You can see for yourself how bad the damage is. I urge you to make the time to fit him into your cupboard. Sorry, I mean schedule. I’d erase that part and re-type it, but then it wouldn’t be as funny.

Warmest Regards,

Generalist