January 23, 2007 by ignatiof.

The ‘click’ is the most versatile of measurements we have in the modern world. It can represent distance or speed. It also crosses systems. It can represent metric, Imperial, or anything else you can think of.

Not sure what I mean? Let’s look at an example. Let’s say you’re inducting a new buddy of yours into your old and wisened street gang. He’s curious about the location of your safe house. You don’t want to tell him exactly where, just in case he turns out to be an undercover officer, and you gots to keep the pigs out of your bidness. So what do you say? That’s right, you point in an arbitrary direction and say, ‘it’s about 30 clicks that way’, being sure to move your hand back and forth so he can’t get an accurate bearing.

That’s distance. Now, what about speed? Time for another example. In this instance, you and your new buddy are cruising the interstate in your tricked out pimpmobile, a 1973 Cadillac Eldorado convertible. The bling of those rims alone cost you four large, but the best part is the blinding orange paint job and front hood flames. Can I get a what what? In the trunk is the carcass of a rival gang member. You wanna deep-six his ass, but first you gots to outrun the po-lice. Push your foot to the floor and raise the needle to 90 clicks.

So there we have it. You are now able to properly use the word ‘click’ in a sentence. The next time you are kicking it old school in the hizz-ouse, no one will be able to lay the smack down on you.

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January 21, 2007 by ignatiof.

Her apparently off-handed non-rhetorical “question”: I hope you’ll still love me in 10 years

If you’re like the typical male, one of the following three responses is going through your head:

a) Of course I will

b) I can’t imagine ever not loving you

c) I’ll love you more than ever

Which one of these should you pick? All are acceptable, but c) is probably the best choice. There is also at least one wrong answer, as I discovered today: 

“I hope so too”

The moral of the story? Think first, talk later, not the other way around.

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January 13, 2007 by ignatiof.

The following are some slides from the peanut butter surgery. This ground breaking surgery is likely to become the standard by which all peanut butter surgeon residents are trained. These pictures will probably wind up in textbooks from here to Timbuktu.

Slide 1 - Surgeon’s tools point to the site of the abnormality.

Slide 2 - The scalpel has been used to cut a square around the abnormality.

Slide 3 - The scalpel holding the abnormality over the surgeon’s table.

Slide 4 - The wound is now closed and the peanut butter jar about to leave the operating room.

Slide 5 - Tasting the growth. Tastes like chicken.

Next time - we’re sending it to the lab!

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