February 28, 2007 by ignatiof.

They give you some good stuff in the hospital - morphine, demerol, and some other stuff you probably would have a hard time getting via prescription.

Having never spent any real time in hospital, I haven’t had the pleasure of any of these supposedly wonderful legal drugs. The closest I’ve come is codeine, prescribed after I had bottom wisdom teeth surgically removed.

And man I thought that stuff was great. I couldn’t feel a thing! I was raving about the stuff. What a painkiller!

But my enthusiasm was to be shortlived. I soon discovered it wasn’t the codeine at all, but a caper that had gotten lodged in the hole where my tooth was and blocked the wound from the outside world.

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February 25, 2007 by ignatiof.

Me and the missus went sliding this morning. Yes, you read that right, I said sliding. You know, with plastic slides we bought at Canadian Tire for $10 each. I know it’s not as trendy as snowboarding or skiing but it’s still a bit of fun.

We’ve gone sliding before of course, but today there were several new things that I learned, or at least realized. Here they are in the order I can remember them:

1. I have no stamina. I’m not talking about being low in stamina or lacking staying power or anything. I’m saying I have none. Zero. Zilch. Nada, etc. I had to take 3 breaks - 3 - on the first trip up the hill. Yikes.

2. I have a fat ass. Let’s just say that when I sit on el basic plastic slide, it’s tilted back. A lot.

3. Someone tore the spirit out of kids today. Not to mention that there were only 2 kids on the hill all morning, but that the park sign was spray-painted over with the same words - ‘Cowan Park’

4. Snow don’t stick to snow pants. So I’m not sure why they call them snow pants. Maybe they don’t - maybe it’s just me.

There’s probably more but I can’t remember it. Brain freeze I guess.

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February 15, 2007 by ignatiof.

Last night I had this weird dream:

I found an egg on the sidewalk and when I looked up the hill where it rolled from, I found a turtle standing there camouflaged against the concrete. I gave it back the egg and walked across the street. There was another turtle across the road. I think this one was the boyfriend of the turtle with the egg. It started chasing me, and apparently was not only poisonous, but could fly. I ran like hell.

Interpretation: I will probably be chased by a poisonous flying turtle in the coming days.

Moral: Don’t screw around with a female turtle if her poisonous flying boyfriend is nearby.

Observations:

1. Yoshi could have eaten it and spit it out as fire (if it was red).

2. Am I attracted to turtles? Or are they attracted to me?

3. Did they start using cashews recently, or is that a longstanding thing?

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February 15, 2007 by ignatiof.

I should have posted this yesterday I suppose, but ah shag it, it’s still good… (oh, and this is heavily paraphrased in places.)

Angus: Any big plans for Valentine’s day?

Ignatio: Gonna stroke it to some porn.

Angus: Uhhh…

Ignatio: Oh shoot, sorry, I must have gotten me confused with you. I got a big romantic night planned with my sweetie.

Angus: (unintelligible ‘comeback’)

Ignatio: You really need a woman. Or a man… or hell, even a blow up doll.

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February 14, 2007 by ignatiof.

So I’m watching Veronica Mars the other day (great show by the way), and the storyline of the show was related to the ethics of using animals in the lab. It’s been a long time since I’ve heard of these types of discussions. Lately all the talk on animal rights and such has been about clubbing seals. I thought the whole using animals in the lab was decided and accepted and as a society we moved on. You know what I mean: research on animals ok if you’re curing cancer, not ok if you’re testing lip gloss.

Maybe I need to read the National Enquirer more or something.

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February 11, 2007 by ignatiof.

And now it’s time for the list of expensive cars - the ones that are well outside my reach, and in fact, I would probably be afraid to own because the first tiny scratch would have me sent to the mental ward.

Again in no particular order…

This large-assed beast is the brand new (2007) Mercedes CL-class. It’s upwards of 100K with any sensible options installed. It’s quite the looker though. I mean, damn! Just look at the arches over the wheel wells. Purty.

This one has been around for a few years now, and is the most only desirable car that GM sells. The Cadillac XLR is at least 75K, and perhaps a bit overpriced, but still a nice machine. I love the straight lines and boxiness.

Now we’re getting up there. At around 150K for this Bentley Continental GT, and a bit more for the convertible, I am going to need to sell quite a few glasses of lemonade to afford this. But it’s a Bentley. I’d have to start eating expensive mustards and buy a monocle just to step inside it.

The only car on my list from one of the big supercar makers, this Ferrari, the 599 GTB Fiorano, is probably priced pretty high. I don’t even have a clue how much it costs, and I’m not interested in finding out. The front grill and raked hood with the headlights embedded in those arch thingies does it for me. And look at those wheels!

And finally, the BMW 6-series, conveniently twice the price of the 3-series, it’s a damn cool car, but with the 3 now being so much better, this one has lost a bit of its luster for me. Still the thought of driving the convertible to my wine estate on a sunny weekend afternoon with my sweetie at my side keeps this one on the list.

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February 10, 2007 by ignatiof.

UPDATE! See the bottom for one car I originally left out. 

This is the first in a two part mini series about cars that I like. This first article is all about the ten different models, all manufactured in the past ten years, but some currently out of production, that I would love to have as a summer car. More importantly, this first group consists of those cars that may be within my financial reach at some point. Part 2 of the series will consist of cars that are outside my financial reach and will likely stay there!

Let’s start with this beauty. It’s the 2002 Ford Thunderbird, based heavily on Thunderbirds of the mid 20th century, much like they did with the VW Beetle. The car is fairly expensive though, so it may be a while before you see me behind the wheel of this, but still, I wouldn’t kick it out of bed for eating crackers.

Our next selection is this car, the Lexus SC300. This model from the late 90s lacks only one thing - a manual transmission. I don’t believe you can get this car with a stick, which is a true sin. Otherwise it’s a sweet ride. It was replaced by the much more expensive SC430.

This car, the Lexus IS300 SportCross, also no longer in production, is a hatchback version of the IS300, and looks like a rich-man’s version of the Mazda Protege5. It’s the only 4-door on this list. Pretty car though. I’d buy it.

This exotic, which I have probably warped when resizing the picture in WordPress, is a true original car, a driver’s car for sure, and an absolute steal for under 50K. It’s the Lotus Elise, still in production, and probably my best chance at owning a real head turner. Just wish it wouldn’t get lost in the potholes around here.

This is a recent addition to my wish list. I have only recently grown to like the look of the 350Z, which is unfortunate because look what I’ve been missing! I’ll take one in any colour, please.

Here’s another Nissan. This one, the 240SX, was made like this in 1997 and 1998 only. Previous models weren’t quite as sharp looking. They are somewhat hard to find at a reasonable price though as they have been popular with the tuner crowd.

I have been accused of being loyal to Chrysler, which of course, is partly true, but when they make cars that look like this, how can you blame me? The Crossfire, available in coupe or roadster models, is a beautiful and unique car. Me want.

The Toyota Solara, now discontinued, is another lovely car, but one with an interior just a bit blander than I would like. This one won’t turn any heads or win any prizes, but it’s a nice, uncommon, midsize coupe.

These two cars are mechanical twins. My preferred is the Dodge Stratus at bottom, a coupe made in this skin from 2003-2006 and not available in Canada. The R/T model has a 200-hp engine with a stick shift, and while no Mustang, it’s peppy enough for me. Plus it’s damn hell ass beautiful. The Sebring coupe is basically the same car without the sportiness and drop dead good looks of the Dodge. They are really Mitsubishis, not Chryslers, and they aren’t the most reliable cars on the road, but that wouldn’t stop me. A decked-out manual transmission Stratus R/T would be my pick if I had to choose anything from this list.

And here is the last entry, the new 2007 BMW 3-series coupe (or upcoming convertible). This car looks far better than the previous generation, and well, it’s a BMW. I don’t know if there’s a better name out there making cars that I have actually seen driving around my hometown. It will be a long while before I can pick up a used one of these at a good price though…

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February 9, 2007 by ignatiof.

Boxers suck. Now before you get your knickers in a twist, I’m referring to the underwear, not the dog breed. My boxer-the-dog-breed feelings are largely indifferent and unsophisticated. That’s a topic for another article.

Underwear boxers suck. They’re baggy and loose and it feels like you’re wearing an extra half pair of pants. When your high school nickname is ‘tripod’, boxers just aren’t gonna cut it. Are they underwear, or shorts masquerading as an undergarment? There’s something altogether too subersive about the whole thing and I refuse to take part.

Yet it seems that men who prefer boxers are somehow more distinguished, more cool, and perhaps, yes, even get more chicks. Do they know something I don’t? Unlikely.

To bridge the gap I tried some of these new boxer-briefs. They’re tight like briefs but have longer legs like boxers. The verdict: they’re not working for me. Somehow things just aren’t… lining… up… right.

Back to the tightie-whities for me.

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February 8, 2007 by ignatiof.

Our hero, Mr. Peanut Butter Jar came home from the hospital today after his life-saving surgery, to a whole shelf full of condiment friends. Here is a picture of them waiting patiently. It was quite the spread.

That’s his girlfriend Ms. Berry Jam in the front. There were rumours that she was getting it on with a jar of pickles while Mr. Jar was away, but those rumours were totally unsubstantiated.

Here is the happy couple together again. If you think about it, it’s amazing how the welcome mat looks nothing like the operating table. (I apologize that this picture is a bit cheesy.)

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February 8, 2007 by ignatiof.

Time for a recap of the popularity ratings of current shows according to Nielsens:

1. Grey’s Anatomy

2. Mugging

3. House

…

Last - 2. The O.C.

Last - 1. America’s Funniest Home Videos

Last. Fear Factor

And somehow, one show managed to rate even lower than the lowest possible rating:

Last + 1. The Peanut Butter Show

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