August 11, 2008 by ignatiof.

If you’re anything like me, you can’t help but snicker anytime you’re in a Subway or Quiznos and a woman asks for a 6-inch or footlong. I would have thought that eventually it would get old, or that I would mature, but so far that hasn’t been the case.

Posted in The Chronicles of Weight Gainia | Print | No Comments »

August 4, 2008 by ignatiof.

At my fiance’s cabin this weekend, I had a dream in which I was Great Britain, and was being choked to death by Germany with a length of 2×4. She woke me as I struggled to breathe.

I’m not sure I’ll be invited back.

Posted in Twisted Dreams | Print | No Comments »

July 31, 2008 by ignatiof.

In my continuing series on criticism of vocm.com, here’s some more criticism of vocm.com:

The following is an article posted yesterday, copied verbatim from their site. If I had a readership of more than three, they’d probably send a cease and desist letter.

I expect that if there were a murderer or rapist on the loose in the area, they language vocm would use to describe his or her ‘rampage’ would be less intense. I’ve rewritten the article below and introduced a little more sanity in the writing style.

Hellbent on Destruction in CBS

Residents of Greenslade’s Road in Long Pond were baffled and shocked yesterdday [sic] after somebody went on a rampage of wanton destruction on a scale never before experienced in the area. Tires were slashed on nearly every vehicle on the street overnight.

Some people have been reduced to tears, and one person is out over $2,000 and has to replace the four tires on his new truck. It appears that every driveway got hit, and even a used-car lot. The number of vehicles is into the dozens and even includes a tractor parked at the Yacht Club in Long Pond-Manuels. RNC are [sic] looking for two men who were seen in the area.

Rewrite:

Residents of Greenslade’s Road in Long Pond were mildly surprised yesterday after somebody slashed some tires.

Police officers in the area said if someone admits to the crime, they might make an arrest, but otherwise they won’t be losing any sleep.

Posted in Stuff I Hate | Print | No Comments »

July 14, 2008 by ignatiof.

She: Hi sweetie, how are you?
Me: I’m good, how are you?
She: I was talking to the cat.
Me: Oh.

Posted in General | Print | No Comments »

July 12, 2008 by ignatiof.

My latest hobby is making fun of vocm.com. I like to count the number of mistakes in their news articles. My record so far is 9 in one article. Here’s one I found today, copied verbatim, without permission, with mistakes listed below. I’m not going to get into the HTML problems or style concerns.

Collision On The Grand Banks
July 12, 2008

There was an usual incident about 160 miles off the coast last night. Maritime Search and Rescue Coordinator, Andy Caines, says it involved a minor collision between a French catamaran-style sail boat, the Traid Union and a Newfoundland crab fishing boat, the August Gale. The Wilfred Grenfell was dispatched to the scene and picked up the eight crew members. They are headed to St. John’s from the Banks but near-zero visibility is keeping speeds low.Caines says the condistions in the area were probably a contributing factor in the collision. No injuries are being reported but marine traffic is advised to be on the look-out for the abandoned and drifting boat.
Also, Friday saw Coast Guard activity off the South Labrador. The Coast Guard auxillary vessel, the Elizabeth Ann, towed a fishing boat, the Robert Bradford, into Cartwright today. The Bradford was disabled by engine failure off Grady Run. They should arrive in port today.

1. The article title should not have the words ‘On The’ capitalized. 
2. The boats’ names are not italicized (5 times)
3. There is no space before the sentence that starts ‘Caines says’
4. ‘Conditions’ is spelled ‘condistions’
5. There is an unrelated news item in an article called ‘Collision On the Grand Banks’
6. In the sentence starting ‘No injuries are being reported’, the two clauses are unrelated.

Posted in Stuff I Hate, The Newfie Times | Print | No Comments »

July 10, 2008 by ignatiof.

Most writers would use a title like ‘Very Low Caliber’ or something else with a lame pun to describe just how bad the Dodge Caliber is. I am not one of those writers.

It was very hard to find things to like about that car when I had it as a rental last month. Here’s the short list:

1. The gauge cluster looks nice in white
2. There is a hole in the passenger’s head restraint so you can grab something other than your girlfriend’s breasts when backing up. (They don’t like that.)

Everything else about the Caliber needs improvement.

Posted in Stuff I Hate, Stuff Like Other Stuff | Print | 2 Comments »

July 6, 2008 by ignatiof.

Posted in Silly Signs | Print | No Comments »

June 17, 2008 by ignatiof.

I bought a jar of the natural peanut butter the other day. Of course you have to stir this stuff cause the oil separates. Let me tell you - ground peanuts don’t ’stir’. It’s like trying to stir a bucket of gravel. And then of course not only did the oil not mix in, but it overflowed the container and ran down the sides and all over the counter. And there’s nothing overtly sexual about it at all.

It was quite the mess. I’ll definitely be buying it again.

Posted in Peanut Butter | Print | 1 Comment »

June 16, 2008 by ignatiof.

Have you ever been at work, where people can see your computer monitor, and you’ve incorrectly typed in the URL to a harmless website?

We all have. In fact, you’ve probably also had that feeling in the pit of your stomach that maybe - just maybe - your mistyped URL will lead you to a porn site, or something equally inappropriate for the office. You don’t wanna get caught with that stuff on your screen.

That feeling is so freaking scary and so unique, I thought it needed a word of its own. Naturally, I couldn’t think of anything, so I asked my brother. He came up with ‘typornaphobia’. Awesome or what?

Posted in Stuff Like Other Stuff | Print | No Comments »

June 13, 2008 by ignatiof.

Here’s a few:

1. Ability to regenerate body parts that were damaged/lost
2. Smell/Hearing of a dog
3. Echolocation ability of a bat
4. Ability to totally freeze solid and thaw out (without dying - very important)
5. Ability to change colours like a chameleon

Got any more ideas?

Posted in Stuff Like Other Stuff, Neat Stuff | Print | 2 Comments »