June 17, 2008 by ignatiof.

I bought a jar of the natural peanut butter the other day. Of course you have to stir this stuff cause the oil separates. Let me tell you - ground peanuts don’t ’stir’. It’s like trying to stir a bucket of gravel. And then of course not only did the oil not mix in, but it overflowed the container and ran down the sides and all over the counter. And there’s nothing overtly sexual about it at all.

It was quite the mess. I’ll definitely be buying it again.

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February 8, 2007 by ignatiof.

Our hero, Mr. Peanut Butter Jar came home from the hospital today after his life-saving surgery, to a whole shelf full of condiment friends. Here is a picture of them waiting patiently. It was quite the spread.

That’s his girlfriend Ms. Berry Jam in the front. There were rumours that she was getting it on with a jar of pickles while Mr. Jar was away, but those rumours were totally unsubstantiated.

Here is the happy couple together again. If you think about it, it’s amazing how the welcome mat looks nothing like the operating table. (I apologize that this picture is a bit cheesy.)

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February 8, 2007 by ignatiof.

Time for a recap of the popularity ratings of current shows according to Nielsens:

1. Grey’s Anatomy

2. Mugging

3. House

…

Last - 2. The O.C.

Last - 1. America’s Funniest Home Videos

Last. Fear Factor

And somehow, one show managed to rate even lower than the lowest possible rating:

Last + 1. The Peanut Butter Show

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January 13, 2007 by ignatiof.

The following are some slides from the peanut butter surgery. This ground breaking surgery is likely to become the standard by which all peanut butter surgeon residents are trained. These pictures will probably wind up in textbooks from here to Timbuktu.

Slide 1 - Surgeon’s tools point to the site of the abnormality.

Slide 2 - The scalpel has been used to cut a square around the abnormality.

Slide 3 - The scalpel holding the abnormality over the surgeon’s table.

Slide 4 - The wound is now closed and the peanut butter jar about to leave the operating room.

Slide 5 - Tasting the growth. Tastes like chicken.

Next time - we’re sending it to the lab!

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December 31, 2006 by ignatiof.

At 1:06 AM NDT, Sunday December 31st, Mr. Jar was sedated and surgery began. As you can see in the photo below, a general anaesthetic was given by needle injection near the site of the imperfection. Mr. Jar was not scared entering surgery, nor was he upset or trembling. His future is now in the hands of a group of highly skilled peanut butter dermatologist-surgeons…

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December 15, 2006 by ignatiof.

I’m glad I started the season off with a great episode, cause this one is going to be lame. To bring you up to date, our friend the peanut butter jar is in need of some treatment for his skin condition, and the Specialist has determined that the only real solution is day surgery.

In preparation for the surgery, the surgeon prepares his tools:

That’s right. A (peanut) butter knife, and I don’t know what that thing on the left is, but he’s using it as a needle to inject the anaesthetic.

Stay tuned.

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December 11, 2006 by ignatiof.

Dear Specialist,

Peanut Butter Jar recently presented with pain in his extremities and soreness on his right… uhh… flat area. I have neither the expertise nor the desire to treat a 4-lb tub of processed sandwich spread, but he does need help badly. I am afraid that the mole I found on his skin could be cancerous.

I have attached a picture of Mr. Jar to this letter. You can see for yourself how bad the damage is. I urge you to make the time to fit him into your cupboard. Sorry, I mean schedule. I’d erase that part and re-type it, but then it wouldn’t be as funny.

Warmest Regards,

Generalist

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December 11, 2006 by ignatiof.

Season 2 of the Peanut Butter show is coming soon. Set your VCRs!

Bonus points if you can figure out why the article is called ‘Lead’.

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August 9, 2006 by ignatiof.

I just re-read that title. Eeep. Gotta be more careful coming up with these things.

Well folks, this is the end of the line. The Great Peanut Butter Experiment of 2006 has come to an end. Drum roll please!

Take a look:

The mountain has toppled! It did not sink at all. After a few days of rest in the cupboard, I opened the jar to find the peanut butter folded over on itself like a yoga-practicing ballet dancer.

Well, there you have it. The end of the line. But one more thing before I finish this series. (This is the twist ending.) I don’t even like peanut butter that much. Ha!

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August 2, 2006 by ignatiof.

Well, ‘visual’. Here’s a picture of the peanut butter jar so far. It’s top down, so you may have to still use your imagination a little bit. Next time I’ll get out my trusty camcorder and take a video.

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